BF Heroes review

anonymousity · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:50 am Post subject: BF Heroes review

Here's a new plug called 'review stuff really late at night, all hammered.'

BF Heroes - Sort of Blows

The best shit about this game is that it's free. You can spend money on outfits or the ability to level up faster, but not to the point where it unbalances the game with purchased weapons. It is a bit fishy though that everyone who has one of those custom outfits seems to kick the shit out of you the whole time, while everyone else sucks.

The game is clearly designed to work ideally under the control of a eight year old. Players are not very manuverable, and can soak up tons of hits before dieing. This sucks however, because it is then very hard to actually achive any sense of craftiness - a surprise attack really only earns you about a extra second of firing when it takes a solid eight second stream to kill someone. All the menu's appear to be designed by Crayola, and the sound track reminds me of that movie A Bug's Life. The only good thing about the game being so dumbed down is that if you have a brain at all its relatively easy to dominate the general BF Heroes public.

There are only three classes, and you cannot change classes mid game as they are more like WoW characters then situational classes. You make a guy, choose his shit, pick between one of three classes and you can then play as him. They do it because everything you do from capping flags to shooting people earns you a little bit of XP, and thus unlocking more shit.

The graphics are as if TF2 had a accidental love child with Wind Waker, and the baby was adopted and raised by Legos. Everything has this nice blurry glow to it and is a little happier then it should be while getting shot at, yet all the troopers seem to move like fucking foosball players. The good thing is they're in turn really easy to hit, but so are you.

Every class has a healing ability. This allows for mad farming of stupid people who don't play off a battlefield instead of charging head in, if that's what you into. Literally just sit back and damage people from really far away, and heal. Kills don't really matter because it only cares about damage and you earn XP the whole time.

You can also be this sneaky bitch class that gets shotgunned a lot.

All the vehicles feel like remote control cars, in that they're incredibly responsive and could maybe fit one and a half people inside. All vehicles in the game have a high pitched squeal that sounds like a electric can opener, and even brutal shit like tank blasts have been replaced by cutesy honks. Planes are relatively useless as they don't have bombs, unless there are other planes in the air, then you may have the most fun that is possible in this game.

Overall it's pretty hard to reccomend this game to anyone who is above the age of 12. Even at that age I think most of us demanded something with a little more balls then this game, like I dunno, Roller Coaster Tyccoon. At least when people died in that game they werent seemingly enthousiastic about it. However you can expect this game to rule the reccess periods and liberary visits of elementary school kids pretty hard - all it takes is going to their website and hitting the giant button that says 'Play Now.'

I would also like to point out that this article was completed with minimal spelling errors and for that im fucking astonished.
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♥♪!?

Wang Chung · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 7:50 am Post subject:

That was the funniest thing i've read you post in a while.
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is now -=|CT|=- Frothy Mixture

K9 Carlos · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 8:09 am Post subject:

Best review ever.
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SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Raed · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 8:21 am Post subject:

So basically, it's complete garbage. With planes that don't drop bombs.
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Brutus · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 10:59 am Post subject:

Haha! Nice review. Very Happy

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massive · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 12:15 pm Post subject:

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Vlad Piranha wrote:

I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it.

Erwin Rommel · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:58 pm Post subject:

haha
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Vlad Piranha · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 5:44 pm Post subject:

If you're looking for a good free first person shooter, check out Combat Arms. You'll come across servers that have cheaters here and there, but the rest of the time, it's actually pretty enjoyable.

anonymousity · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:23 pm Post subject:

Yeah Combat Arms is extremely sick, I will be downloading that on the PC tonight.

In retrospect this review went pretty well. I don't remember writing much of it but if I manage to make it to the computer after going out in the near future I will try to do it again on something more/less relevant.
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♥♪!?

Messy Recipe · Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:30 pm Post subject:

Eagerly awaiting an official Anonymousity review of BFP2.
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ABC News wrote:

Birds can disable planes, Ostrom said, by flying into the engines and shutting them down.

Stealth · Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 7:44 pm Post subject:

Well, although I enjoyed your review, I found BF Heroes to be a lot of fun despite it only having two maps in the Beta. I hadn't had that much fun since when I first played BF42.
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Motherfucking Triangles! Being all three sided n' shit, who do they think they are?!

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