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massiveCaptain Ass Kicking Asshole Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Location: at Des'
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Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:38 am Post subject: Had to repost this |
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from Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-good-manners-its-time-to-stop-pretending-we-care-about/
Calling the Fart Police
Let me tell you a purely hypothetical story about a veritable mountain of a man named Bobert Rockway. Bobert was at his office one day, taking the elevator down from the weekly meeting of the World's Greatest Detective Society, when a small Asian lady stepped into the car with him. The pair waited in polite silence as the ride progressed uneventfully. Suddenly, Bobert's stomach grumbled -- being the bastion of public service that he is, Bobert is often too busy knockin' out supervillains and knockin' up supermodels to grab a reasonably timed lunch -- and, after a few seconds of silence, the diminutive woman turned to our hero and said, "Did you just fart?"
Somehow, Rockway restrained himself. He did not laugh in her face and tell her, "No, honey, I have man-farts." He did not jab a finger in her accusatory eye and inform her that "When I fart, you'll know it." He did not go on to elaborate that "When I fart, the fire alarm will go off. When I fart, confetti rains from the sky like a fucking Rip Taylor bit. When I fart, it's like somebody says the secret word on a kid's show: Everybody stops what they're doing and just. Starts. Screaming. My farts have flashed veterans back to 'Nam."
He just smiled pleasantly and said, "Nope, my stomach growled. Missed lunch."
The Asian lady turned away from Bobert, visibly disgusted, and said, "Yeah. Right."
This is not a unique situation. There are entire comedy bits about this exact scenario: Somebody moves a chair across rubber, or their leather jacket squeaks just so, and then they have to awkwardly explain to a roomful of witnesses that what kind of sounded like flatulence was but sound and fury, signifying nothing. My question isn't "Why do we persecute these people without evidence?" Nor is it even "Is not a man innocent until proven guilty?" My question is: Why do people even ask? I'm genuinely curious what answer would make somebody happy in that situation. Do they really want personal confirmation of whose guts they're inhaling? If you inquire after a fart, and the offending party says "no," what are the other options? "Oh God, it must be a natural gas leak -- let's get outta here, gang!" If they look you dead in the eyes and simply answer "yes," how does the ensuing conversation go? What if they follow it up with "Welcome to the wrong side of my butthole" -- do you shake their hand because, damn it, you don't condone the act, but you have to admire the honesty? Some questions are better left unanswered, and when it comes to a stranger's intestinal musk, maybe we just embrace the enigmatic nature of life and try to take shallow breaths until the mystery passes. _________________
Vlad Piranha wrote: | I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it. |
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tru.pairadocsBackstabbing Turd-nugget Spymaster Joined: 12 Oct 2011 Location: Michigan
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Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:31 am Post subject: |
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You farted Massive, didn't you
_________________
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massiveCaptain Ass Kicking Asshole Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Location: at Des'
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Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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tru.pairadocs wrote: | You farted Massive, didn't you
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When I fart, dogs howl.
I bet you wish you could fart though, but if you do manage to squeek one out, you better check it wasn't a shart. _________________
Vlad Piranha wrote: | I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it. |
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tru.pairadocsBackstabbing Turd-nugget Spymaster Joined: 12 Oct 2011 Location: Michigan
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Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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massive wrote: | When I fart, dogs howl.
I bet you wish you could fart though, but if you do manage to squeek one out, you better check it wasn't a shart. |
I have actually mastered the art of silent farting; the ultimate tool for trolls everywhere _________________
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massiveCaptain Ass Kicking Asshole Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Location: at Des'
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:08 am Post subject: |
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tru.pairadocs wrote: | massive wrote: | When I fart, dogs howl.
I bet you wish you could fart though, but if you do manage to squeek one out, you better check it wasn't a shart. |
I have actually mastered the art of silent farting; the ultimate tool for trolls everywhere |
You and I should just have random convo's on steam and then post them here cuz we are just about the only ones that ever post anything more than 1 comment. Hell, in many ways this IS our personal chat room. _________________
Vlad Piranha wrote: | I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it. |
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Erwin RommelElite Joined: 02 Aug 2005
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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I'm actually very curious about the posting statistics in the last 6-12 months. _________________ -=|CT|=-Descartes
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NuggetHax0r Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Location: with yarrr wench
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:55 pm Post subject: |
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Erwin Rommel wrote: | I'm actually very curious about the posting statistics in the last 6-12 months. |
Would we be out numbered by the bots? _________________
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DracoSailor Joined: 30 Oct 2011
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Nugget wrote: | Erwin Rommel wrote: | I'm actually very curious about the posting statistics in the last 6-12 months. |
Would we be out numbered by the bots? |
Give the word and I can change that.
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Berry PunchPony HATER Joined: 04 Sep 2011
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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I actually missed these forums, damn I have some catching up to do. Someone mind.. lending a hand?
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DracoSailor Joined: 30 Oct 2011
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Kirov wrote: | I actually missed these forums, damn I have some catching up to do. Someone mind.. lending a hand?
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'Ait Kirov. Let's make this awkward as fuck for everyone to watch.
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Berry PunchPony HATER Joined: 04 Sep 2011
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:44 am Post subject: |
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Draco wrote: | Kirov wrote: | I actually missed these forums, damn I have some catching up to do. Someone mind.. lending a hand?
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'Ait Kirov. Let's make this awkward as fuck for everyone to watch. |
Oh my, whatever do you mean?
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DracoSailor Joined: 30 Oct 2011
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 11:39 am Post subject: |
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Kirov wrote: | Draco wrote: | Kirov wrote: | I actually missed these forums, damn I have some catching up to do. Someone mind.. lending a hand?
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'Ait Kirov. Let's make this awkward as fuck for everyone to watch. |
Oh my, whatever do you mean? |
I assume that when you say "I have some catching up to do" you mean you have to catch up on the chaos you didn't get to cause. So I'll get the all-purpose napalm and tights, you get the body glitter and clown masks.
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tru.pairadocsBackstabbing Turd-nugget Spymaster Joined: 12 Oct 2011 Location: Michigan
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 11:49 am Post subject: |
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Draco wrote: | I assume that when you say "I have some catching up to do" you mean you have to catch up on the chaos you didn't get to cause. So I'll get the all-purpose napalm and tights, you get the body glitter and clown masks. |
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massiveCaptain Ass Kicking Asshole Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Location: at Des'
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 12:15 pm Post subject: |
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tru.pairadocs wrote: | Draco wrote: | I assume that when you say "I have some catching up to do" you mean you have to catch up on the chaos you didn't get to cause. So I'll get the all-purpose napalm and tights, you get the body glitter and clown masks. |
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QFE _________________
Vlad Piranha wrote: | I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it. |
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EugeneSleepuls Joined: 30 Jun 2011
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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massive wrote: | tru.pairadocs wrote: | Draco wrote: | I assume that when you say "I have some catching up to do" you mean you have to catch up on the chaos you didn't get to cause. So I'll get the all-purpose napalm and tights, you get the body glitter and clown masks. |
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QFE |
QQFE
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