Joke Thread

firefox_71 · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 5:06 pm Post subject:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a multi-state project with auto makers where black box voice recorders were installed in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to understand the last 15 seconds of a fatal accident.

The Board was surprised to find the recorded last words of drivers in 49 of the 50 states were all the same: "Oh, SHIT!"

Only the state of TEXAS was different, where the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
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K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 5:55 pm Post subject:

After the lovemaking

After the lovemaking

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love with ah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6
inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making
ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah
lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished
porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and
wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!
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-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

firefox_71 · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 6:42 pm Post subject:

classic
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ChrisT · Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2005 11:35 pm Post subject:

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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ChrisT · Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 12:20 am Post subject:

Things I Am Better At, Now That I Wear An Eye PatchSubmitted by Ben Worcester on 11/21/05

Using a microscope

Shooting pool

Framing things with my hands

Giving the �ol Evil Eye

Archery

Wearing my Nick Fury costume

Playing one-handed peek-a-boo

Attracting parrots

Misjudging distance

Staying away from BB guns

~Not as good, but piratey!
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CountChocula · Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 12:27 am Post subject:

lol "wearing my Nick Fury costume"... what kind of loser would have a Nick Fury costume?

K9 Carlos · Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:45 am Post subject:

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

firefox_71 · Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:49 am Post subject:

werd

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K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 8:27 pm Post subject:

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what�s natural for men and women to do�..

After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it�s inevitable course��.

Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried her....
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-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

ChrisT · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:10 am Post subject:

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Rolling Eyes

necrophilia
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2shoes · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 10:55 am Post subject:

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
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Sparrow wrote:

...if pirates stays on bf1942 i'd hate to see the community grow even smaller, but i know i'll always be around and i hope the rest of you will too!

Special Jimmy wrote:

This mod is rightfully ours, and fuck everyone that stands in our way.

fair winds and following seas, lil shoes 8/3/94-6/23/09

K9 Carlos · Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 9:51 pm Post subject:

> A young man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
> lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
> $250 to $1,500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for
> the
> sheerest item, pays the $1,500 and takes the lingerie home.
>
> He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
> model
> it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that
> it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
> return it tomorrow and keep the $1,500 refund for myself."
>
> So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $1,500, they'd at least
> iron it!"
>
> He never heard the shot.
>
> Funeral services are pending.
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:51 pm Post subject:

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 9:28 am Post subject:

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

10. "Your saddle is Versace"

9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"

8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"

7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"

6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"

5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"

4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"

3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"

2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"

1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"
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-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 10:02 am Post subject:

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
>
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
>
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
>
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.