Joke Thread

Special Jimmy · Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 7:18 pm Post subject:

Quote:

IF YOU HAD BRAINS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT EVERYCT HAD ACCES TO THEM ON THAT SITE WHEN IT WAS STILL USED

ZOMG but it isnt anymore. And I still dont get why the hell you had to do "Research" on these guys.

Continue the jokes though.
_________________
-=|CT|=-Special Jimmy

Wang Chung wrote:

MikeSty 22: they say Rome wasn't built in a day
MikeSty 22: but they never had the Fucking Cut Throats

firefox_71 · Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 7:42 pm Post subject:

hehehehe you beat me to the sig jimmeh Laughing

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2shoes · Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 10:48 am Post subject:

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son,
what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3
A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom
dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
_________________

Sparrow wrote:

...if pirates stays on bf1942 i'd hate to see the community grow even smaller, but i know i'll always be around and i hope the rest of you will too!

Special Jimmy wrote:

This mod is rightfully ours, and fuck everyone that stands in our way.

fair winds and following seas, lil shoes 8/3/94-6/23/09

CountChocula · Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 11:41 pm Post subject:

why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?
it was rated ARRRR

ahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahaa Laughin Pirate

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Quote:

[20:43] -≠∫ĆŤ∫≠- ŜρξčļαГ јỈмMﻻ: we'll aim for bender
[20:43] -≠∫ĆŤ∫≠- ŜρξčļαГ јỈмMﻻ: but use a lot of napalm

Drunken Monkey · Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:04 am Post subject:

...........

i liked 2shoes's more.........a LOT more
_________________
YAT YAS

if You Ain't Tracks, You Ain't Shit

Lt. Evil Squrrel · Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 8:25 pm Post subject:

So some guy named Zehab Carter found out to make dead cats ,yes dead cats, into desel fule with a catalac converter. now i'm just passen on news here. yes zehab carter found out to to make dead cats into desel with a CATalac converter.

sorry. sad joke. you know youve hit rock bottom if u get your jokes from an oldies station on the radio.

Bender · Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 1:56 pm Post subject:

>The Johnson's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
>
>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Johnson kissed his wife and said, " I'm off; the man should be here soon. "
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to .. " " Oh, no need to explain. Come in, " Mrs. Johnson cut in.
>
>" Really ? " the photographer asked. " Well, good ! My specialty is babies." " That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
>
>After a moment, she asked, blushing, " Well, where do we start?"
>
>Photographer - " Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath-tub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes, the living room floor is fun too ... you can really spread out !"
>
>Wife - " Bath-tub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
>
>Photographer - " Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
>Wife - " My, my, that's a lot of action."
>
>Photographer - " Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but, you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
>
>Wife ( muttering ) - " Don't I know it."
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
>
>Wife - "Oh my god!!"
>
>Photographer - " And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
>
>Wife - "She was difficult?"
>
>Photographer - " Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
>
>Wife - "Four and five deep?" Her eyes widened in amazement.
>
>Photographer - " Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate! Then, darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
>
>Wife ( leaning forward ) - "You mean they actually chewed on your errrm .. equipment?"
>
>Photographer - " That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tri-pod so that we can get to work."
>
>Wife - "Tri-pod?"
>
>Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tri-pod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? ... Madam ....?
>
>Good Lord, she's fainted!"

----------------------
A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big
smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to America."
_________________

Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending.

2:50 AM - -=|CT|=- Dr. Crunk: whenever a girl is like "oh what are you thinking about"
2:50 AM - -=|CT|=- Dr. Crunk: i say nothing cause saying dudes wouldn't go over well

3:34 PM - El.Tawxic: I wish I was a horse

C y a n o s i s · Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:16 pm Post subject:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH Laughing

_________________

Retired CT Member

K9 Carlos · Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:31 am Post subject:

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM.

SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?".

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY ASS?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

massive · Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:09 am Post subject:

LMAO
_________________

Vlad Piranha wrote:

I'm offended that a zombie holocaust isn't on the list. It would be terrifying, sure, but it would be pretty sweet if you think about it.

Lt. Evil Squrrel · Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 10:23 pm Post subject:

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

____

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
------

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

-------

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying.She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"
--------
The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

2shoes · Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:07 pm Post subject:

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children in Little Johnny�s class the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color, and by flavor. They each said:

Red.....Cherry

Yellow.....Lemon

Green.....Lime

Orange.....Orange

Finally, the professor gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. Well, the professor said to the children that he would give them a clue. " It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

Little Johnny looked up in horror, spit his lifesaver out, and yelled,

"OH MY GOD THEY'RE ASSHOLES !"
_________________

Sparrow wrote:

...if pirates stays on bf1942 i'd hate to see the community grow even smaller, but i know i'll always be around and i hope the rest of you will too!

Special Jimmy wrote:

This mod is rightfully ours, and fuck everyone that stands in our way.

fair winds and following seas, lil shoes 8/3/94-6/23/09

K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 5:59 pm Post subject: IRISH VIAGRA

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's libido."What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
>>>
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin"."Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
>>>
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
>>>
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
>>>
Why so terrible?? asked doctor, Do you mean the sex?
>>>
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:23 am Post subject:

http://marcin.wanat.promontel.net.pl/
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 2:40 pm Post subject:

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him
she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.