Joke Thread

K9 Carlos · Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:53 pm Post subject:

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.
"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.
"You used to nibble on my ear."
"Let me get my teeth."

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It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

**************************************
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:55 pm Post subject:

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city."

So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!"

So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face.

Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Comradekil · Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 2:13 pm Post subject:

3 strings are walking down the street, these strings are very thirsty, so they see this bar, and a sign on the bar says "no strings allowed" so the strings are kind of upset, but one figure's he'll try to go in anyhow, so he walks in and the bartender says, "hey string get out" so the string leaves, and the second string thinks he'll sneak in so he tries and the bartender spots him and says "no strings!" so the string turns around and walks out. the 3rd string, he's the smart one of the bunch so he gets an idea, he ties himself up and messes up his ends a little and walks into the bar. the bartender looks ant him and goes, "hey aren't you a string?!" the string simply turns to him and says "no, I'm a 'freyed knot' "
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logohere · Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:21 am Post subject:

DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!!!!...... I ALMOST CRIED

K9 Carlos · Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 10:01 am Post subject:

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Gen. Death · Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 2:08 pm Post subject:

lol
_________________
将軍
-=|CT|=-Gen. Death

The wronging of the past must be made right in the present.

GotMilk? wrote:

The ones I would recruit are not the ones going "HOW DOES I JOIN TC?!"

K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:47 pm Post subject:

> Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die ...... This
> is
> just so priceless ... and so easy to see happening, customer service being
> what it is ...
>
> My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her
> for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit
> card, and then added
> late fees and interest on the monthly charge ... the
> balance had been $0.00 ... now was somewhere around $60.00
>
> I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
>
> Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in
> January."
>
> CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late
> fees and charges still apply."
>
> Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
>
> CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already
> has been."
>
> Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is
> dead?"
>
> CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds
> division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
>
> Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
>
> CitiBank:"...excuse me.?"
>
> Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the
> part about her being dead?"
>
> CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my
> supervisor!"
>
> (Supervisor gets on the phone)
>
> Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
>
> CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late
> fees and charges still apply."
>
> Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
>
> CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" ... "Are you her lawyer?"
>
> Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
>
>
> CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
>
> Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
>
> ( After they get the fax. )
>
> CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
>
> Me: "Oh..."
>
> CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
>
> Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you
> could just keep billing her...I suppose...
>
> don't really think she will care...."
>
> CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still
> apply."
>
> Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
>
>
> CitiBank: "That might help."
>
> Me: "( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot
> number given. )"
>
> CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
>
> Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Rally Monkey · Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:04 am Post subject:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:06 am Post subject:

A North Carolina Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Wang Chung · Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 11:08 am Post subject:

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
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is now -=|CT|=- Frothy Mixture

Cpt. LandLubber · Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:18 am Post subject:

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anonymousity · Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:20 am Post subject:

DUDE- I saw the news today, and thought the EXACT same thing. He totally looks like the Emperor! Very Happy

*NOTE- this post is not supposed to be anti-pope or anything at all. Im just poining out he looks like the emperor.
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♥♪!?

SupaFly · Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 2:17 am Post subject:

wow...

if u laugh does it mean ur goin to hell???

(btw i was humming the star wars tune when i was watching him on the news.... i think lucas paid the catholic church as a ploy to subliminally advertise ep. 3.... but the timing is just soooo perfect, coincidence??? i think not)
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Wang Chung · Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:19 pm Post subject:

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
_________________
is now -=|CT|=- Frothy Mixture

K9 Carlos · Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:36 pm Post subject:

Wang Chung wrote:

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

HAHA.

_________________
-=|CT|=- K9 Carlos

SupaFly wrote:

barreling axe is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway these days

Quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.